I guess I'm not getting drunk on the trip to Iowa State. Dr. Oliver said no alcohol and I doubt Keegan will attempt to get us in trouble. Kind of sucks, but I guess it's better than getting caught. I'm not much of a risk taker. I mean I like to push the edge from time to time, but I feel very uncomfortable with crossing the line if you know what I mean.

School's still going well. I've been reading a lot of political science. I don't think that class will be as tough as I thought it was going to be though. I went to the discussion today and he said it wasn't as in depth as the readings made it out to be and the quizzes were just to test if we were being alert...no tricky or in-depth questions. So that's all good. I love my mwf classes because they're really easy and are good wake ups for marching band. And I'll say it once more...good thing I'm doing band.

OK, I know this is kind of random, but I was just thinking the other day about a song that seemed to always be in my head and also describe my overall experience throughout high school. I would have to say it was Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden. Why? Who knows...I was pretty immature in high school now that I recall. Making fun of sophomores and that girl who was after me (Trish Averill) my senior year happened to highlight the entire experience...I mean how sad is that? I think that people make fun of others when they're depressed and have a negative perspective about themselves. I admit it, I was definitely that way then. But inside, I know I'm a caring and fair person, though I still battle with myself from day to day. I mean, who doesn't? But the depressing days have definitely dropped in number. I can't really remember a time in recent past when I felt really bad about myself. I'm much more sure of myself and I stand up for myself. These are both huge changes from even a year ago. I guess I'm growing up and Madeleine helped a lot too. But most of my experience in high school was definitely a black hole that I would like to forget, though I probably never will.

Tonight after studying I hung out a lot with my brother Joe. We talked about things that guys would generally talk about...no more need for further explanation. I haven't been home very much lately and my mom commented that it was nice to have me home. Sometimes I feel like I'm not from a certain place (example: like I'm not from Lawrence). I still can't call this place my home even though I've lived here for more than six years. I've lived in this house longer than any house I've lived in and I still can't call this place home. It's just my house. There's a difference. In addition to this complicated thought, when I was up in Cedar Falls this summer to visit Madeleine, I was so used to living up there that I felt like I was in an area that was a mixture of Lawrence and Cedar Falls...there were times when I truly thought I was in Lawrence. I'm all mixed up on the town that I felt most comfortable living in. At the same time I wouldn't want to live in Cedar Falls because it's right next to Waterloo, a town that really sucks and where I really lived. I guess Lawrence is definitely the best place I've lived, but I still can't call it my home. I know it's weird. I think a simple solution for this is when I graduate, just move somewhere else and keep moving until I'm comfortable with where I live. But I'll probably never be completely comfortable. And I don't think about this very much, so I guess it's not that much of a problem. As long as I'm with some familiar people, such as my family, I'll be fine.

It will all work out in the end.

Ok, final note...I had a cherry coke with whisky tonight. It's not bad. Finally, 'Achilles Last Stand' by Led Zeppelin and 'Won't Get Fooled Again' by The Who are great songs.

Damn! It's late!