Emotionally, I've been taken to the woodshed this semester. The events that happened to me this month alone could ruin much of what I've planned for in my future. I feel like probably the only thing I have left is my teaching career, but even that was in jeopardy early this semester. I am a very goal oriented person, having used this skill many times during my experiences in swimming . To have my goals and my future taken away from me is horrible. Its how I live. So essentially, I feel like my life has been taken out of me.

Its frustrating not to detail the problems on here. It wouldn't do any good anyway. I tried writing my feelings down, but I just threw the paper away. Why I'm using this, I don't know. I think I just have a desire to have people see that my life is shit. I have nobody to talk with about my feelings. I'll hurt others or offend them. I try talking with people very close to me, but they can't because they're fucked up too. They won't even tell me what's going on, but I know. I'm not stupid. And then I want to talk with someone else who is very close to me, but I can't because of their morals and I'm afraid of the consequences of telling them. And it sucks so much that I'm afraid. So I have nobody to turn to. Maybe psychology, therapy. God, I never thought something like this would ever happen. I remember once thinking about how great my life was and then wondering what it would be like if something bad like this would happen. I guess I got my answer.

On a positive note, I'm happy that I haven't lost everything. Nothing bad has happened to me directly. Its all indirectly. I'm still very successful in school. This week I got a 100% on my biology lab quiz, an A on my Eastern Civilization paper (really a creative writing assignment), and I'm sure I got A's on my Eastern Civ and psychology tests without any doubt. Also, I'm living in a great environment in Pearson Hall. I've met many friends here this semester and have had a wonderful time here. It really feels like home in many respects. Especially in times like these.

So now I must stand up for myself, continue to grow, and not take advantage of what I have in life. This undoubtably will become my worst semester emotionally, but its changed my life in how I've seen and dealt with it in the past. And I'll never forget it.